Just when I think I am over you, you come around again. Out of the blue, there you are, and it's as if you were never gone. Time does not change how you make me feel. My stomach tightens into knots. My heart beat is irregular. My hands tremble, out of control. My breathing comes to fast, too shallow and my head spins. I lay awake at night, with you on my mind. You invade my every thought.
You aren't good for me. I've known it all along. I need to move on. I need to get you out of my head, and out of my life, for good. But the truth is, I don't know how to live without you. I have tried for years, to no avail.
But I will try again. Because you also affect my health. Sometimes you make me eat uncontrollably, sometimes I have no appetite at all. You give me headaches and make it hard for me to concentrate on anything but negatives. My memory is terrible, i forget things all the time.
Some people make you go away by taking pills, but I don't like that option. I have found a few things that help take my mind off of you. I meditate and picture myself on a warm sunny beach, and you are nowhere around. I can also leave you behind, if only for a little while, when I go running. So, Anxiety, I am telling you now. It's over between us. I'm kicking you out of my life. Leave me alone. I don't ever want you to come back again.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Counting Down the Days
I am counting. I currently have 2 more work days this week, and 4 more work weeks left with my second job. I can't wait to punch out that last day. I can't wait to go back to a normal life of working during the day and sleeping during the night. I can't wait until I have time to spend with my family again. For the past 4 months, I have been working a 40-hour week during the day and a 24-hour week during the night. Sleep deprivation is a wonderful thing (PLEASE read that with tons of sarcasm). I walk around feeling like a zombie most days, even on days when I don't work during the night. I have lost so much sleep it will take me a year to make up. I expected that though. When I applied for the job, I knew I was sacrificing sleep, but I had two bills that had to be paid, that were over and above the normal bills, and so they were over and above our budget. It's all the other side-effects of a 3rd shift job that I never expected.
I already spend 40 hours a week standing on a concrete floor. I go home with sore feet almost every day. But it's nothing that a little rest, a hot bath or a massage wouldn't fix. Add in an additional 24 hours standing on a concrete floor for the 3rd shift job and suddenly there's pain in my arch that won't go away. It's tender to the touch. It hurts even more after I sit and rest for a while (or sleep for a few hours). Plantar Fasciitus according to all my internet research (again, I didn't go to the doctor. I don't want my doctor to think I am a hypochondriac). AKA falling arches. Hooray. Treatment: rest, stretching and arch supports in your shoes.
At my 3rd shift job, my nametag says "cashier" but I actually spend all 6 1/2 hours cleaning. There are 25 registers that must be dusted, stocked and cleaned every single night. The store has been short handed so many nights, I have had to clean all of this myself. After a few of those nights, I developed another pain (I feel like I'm falling apart!!). This time in my shoulder, from scrubbing the conveyor belts of 25 registers. More internet research brought me to the conclusion that I had an "overuse injury" to my rotator cuff. Treatment: rest, ice, and ibuprofen. Have you ever noticed so many injuries need rest to heal?? REST! Haha, what's this "rest" they speak of??
Other than aches and pains, there are other problems too. Another job means more gas, more food, so more money spent. The fact that I spend so much of my time working and sleeping means that my son spends more time watching his sister instead of being a kid and hanging out with his friends. It means I don't spend much time with my family. It means my husband acts as a single parent most of the week. Everything we used to share responsibility for - all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, scout meetings, school conferences, etc - have fallen on his shoulders alone. It means I don't have the time or the energy to pick up my camera and go take pictures.
But instead of letting my unpayable bills go into collections (I've done that in the past, it doesn't make them go away) I decided to be a responsible adult. I got another job. I sent most of each paycheck to these extra bills, and used the rest to help out with the extra expenses of having a second job. I need 4 more paychecks to pay off the bills. I decided that I wanted to reward myself for being the responsible adult and working so hard these last few months, so an additional 2 paychecks will be paying for a tattoo that I have been wanting and planning for ages. So 6 more paychecks. I can't wait. I'm counting down the days.
I already spend 40 hours a week standing on a concrete floor. I go home with sore feet almost every day. But it's nothing that a little rest, a hot bath or a massage wouldn't fix. Add in an additional 24 hours standing on a concrete floor for the 3rd shift job and suddenly there's pain in my arch that won't go away. It's tender to the touch. It hurts even more after I sit and rest for a while (or sleep for a few hours). Plantar Fasciitus according to all my internet research (again, I didn't go to the doctor. I don't want my doctor to think I am a hypochondriac). AKA falling arches. Hooray. Treatment: rest, stretching and arch supports in your shoes.
At my 3rd shift job, my nametag says "cashier" but I actually spend all 6 1/2 hours cleaning. There are 25 registers that must be dusted, stocked and cleaned every single night. The store has been short handed so many nights, I have had to clean all of this myself. After a few of those nights, I developed another pain (I feel like I'm falling apart!!). This time in my shoulder, from scrubbing the conveyor belts of 25 registers. More internet research brought me to the conclusion that I had an "overuse injury" to my rotator cuff. Treatment: rest, ice, and ibuprofen. Have you ever noticed so many injuries need rest to heal?? REST! Haha, what's this "rest" they speak of??
Other than aches and pains, there are other problems too. Another job means more gas, more food, so more money spent. The fact that I spend so much of my time working and sleeping means that my son spends more time watching his sister instead of being a kid and hanging out with his friends. It means I don't spend much time with my family. It means my husband acts as a single parent most of the week. Everything we used to share responsibility for - all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, scout meetings, school conferences, etc - have fallen on his shoulders alone. It means I don't have the time or the energy to pick up my camera and go take pictures.
But instead of letting my unpayable bills go into collections (I've done that in the past, it doesn't make them go away) I decided to be a responsible adult. I got another job. I sent most of each paycheck to these extra bills, and used the rest to help out with the extra expenses of having a second job. I need 4 more paychecks to pay off the bills. I decided that I wanted to reward myself for being the responsible adult and working so hard these last few months, so an additional 2 paychecks will be paying for a tattoo that I have been wanting and planning for ages. So 6 more paychecks. I can't wait. I'm counting down the days.
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