Plaster on a Smile

Depression has a way of sneaking up on you and taking over all your thoughts.  It can take a perfectly normal thought, or a conversation or argument, or a casual comment and use it to turn you against yourself. And suddenly, every evil thought you've had about yourself, every rude comment from strangers, every insult, every unintentionally hurtful thing said to you...escapes from behind the wall you built up.  The wall that was supposed to hold all those thoughts and voices, and keep them hidden....from the world, from yourself.  And when that dam breaks, so does the one holding back the tears.  And you end up sitting on the floor, hugging your knees, crying uncontrollably, while thoughts like "you're fat and lazy" and "if only you were prettier, thinner, happier, better with money, smarter......." and "how could anyone possibly love you?" and "you do more damage than good" and "your family would be better off without you" play through your head, on repeat. 

Sometimes I do think my hubby and kids would be better off without me.  I've never considered suicide. But I fantasize about running away. Finding a place where I've never been and no one knows me,  dropping all contact with anyone who knows me now and finding a little corner of that place where I can live the rest of my life without screwing with anyone else's life.  Hubby could find someone prettier and thinner and fitter who loves to do the same things he loves to do, who loves to cook & clean and is awesome at budgeting & paying bills.  I would no longer be a bad role model for the kids. 

But they wouldn't understand. They wouldn't see things the way I see them.  All they would see is me running away. They would think I abandoned them, that I don't love them enough to stay.  The kids would grow up resenting me for leaving. 

So, I will dry my tears.  I will work at building that wall again, try to make it stronger than before. I'll stuff all the bad thoughts and evil voices behind it again. I'll plaster on a smile, and pretend that everything is ok.  And maybe, for a while, it will be.  But, I wonder..........how long it will last this time?

New writing exercise, and continuation of "A Mystery Unfolds"

Another random first line, to get the next section of the story moving along.  If you haven't read the first part yet, you can click here.  Today's random first line is "As she stopped to catch her breath, she looked back".  Hope you like it!


As she stopped to catch her breath, she looked back.  It was a habit she'd acquired during college.  Be on the lookout.  Keep yourself safe.  God knows there were enough creeps on campus to warrant her vigilance.  When she moved to L.A., it wasn't just a safety precaution.  It became a matter of life or death. Her first apartment wasn't in the nicest part of town, but it was cheap, and had a good solid lock on the door.  Constantly looking over her shoulder wasn't really necessary here in Clearbeach, but old habits die hard.  The crime rate in her hometown was practically non-existent.  The people saw each other more as family than neighbors.  Some had lived here their entire life and would no doubt be buried here.  When Kat left for college, her intentions were to get as far away as possible, and stay away.  She packed as many bags and boxes as she could fit into the back seat of her green VW beetle, kissed her mom and sister goodbye, put her foot to the gas pedal and never looked back. It wasn't that she didn't like the town, or the residents.  She loved taking her sister to the corner ice cream shop, being within walking distance of all her friends' houses and the beach, and she even enjoyed going to the town's summer barbecue that took place in the park every single summer.  But she always felt like she was missing out on something.  She knew there had to be more.  More what, she didn't know.  Just more.

Leaving her sister had been the hardest thing she had ever done.  But Jessi, even at 14, was small-town through and through.  She wasn't just content in Clearbeach, she was downright happy.  She knew exactly what she wanted to do with her life.....although, in Kat's opinion, Jess' simple and romantic ideas were unrealistic: marry her high school sweetheart, have a couple kids, teach elementary school until her kids made her a grandma, then retire and live happily ever after.   Kat chuckled at the memory.  Jessi didn't even have a high school sweetheart - hell, she wasn't even in high school yet - when Kat left town, and she was already planning her entire life with the poor guy.  When Jessi wrote to tell her about Cody, she almost felt sorry for him.  He had no idea what he was getting himself into when he asked Jessi for that first date. Over the next few years, Kat lost track of how many times she rolled her eyes when reading her sister's letters, full of mushy lovey-dovey this and that about Cory.

A year after Jessi's graduation, out of the blue, she called Kat, in tears.  She was crying so hard, Kat couldn't understand her blubbering.  Finally Cody took the phone and broke the news: Mom had died.  All the cigarettes she'd smoked throughout her life finally took their toll.  Kat hadn't even known she was sick.  She was immediately angry with her mother for not following through on all her promises to quit, but she grudgingly made the trip back to Clearbeach for the funeral.  It was then, over the course of the weekend, that she realized Cody was all Jessi had said he was.  He was the rock she needed to lean on.  He held her when she cried, he tucked her into bed when he realized she had had enough of the mourning visitors.  He even made her eat something though she had turned down others' offers to bring her something all day.  He took care of her without being pushy and without complaint.  He knew what she needed without her voicing it.  After the funeral, when Kat left for her home in L.A. she didn't feel bad for leaving her sister behind.  She knew she was leaving Jess in good hands.  She knew she was going to get her happily ever after.

The next time she spoke to Cody was when he called two weeks ago.  This time, it was he who was crying, he who was blubbering.  It took a good ten minutes for her to pry coherent words from him.
"Oh my god, Kat.......It's Jessi.......they just found her............she's dead."