Hubby of the Year

Sometimes I don't feel like I deserve what I have. My hubby for instance.

I'm sure I'm not an easy person to be married to. I think I am a lazy, forgetful, selfish slob who has a terrible spending habit.

Yesterday, for example. I accidentally took his car keys with me to work. He had to get a ride from a coworker. Then I forgot to bring home his special order laminate which he needs in order to finish a product for one of his customers. When I got home, I threw a load of my clothes in the wash & left a note asking him to please put them in the dryer, since I was going to be sleeping (have to sleep at SOME point in between the 2 jobs). He did. I love him. Then he preheated the oven to make pizza for dinner & discovered potatoes I had baked & forgotten - now burned.   What a day. After all that, you'd think he'd be mad at me, expect him to be annoyed at least. But on my way out the door, off to work, he hugged & kissed me goodnight & goodbye & told me he had put gas in my car while I was sleeping. Yep. I cried on the way to work. I don't deserve this sweetheart of a man. I don't tell him often enough "thank you" or "I love you"......but I do, with all my heart.

It's over.

Just when I think I am over you, you come around again. Out of the blue, there you are, and it's as if you were never gone. Time does not change how you make me feel. My stomach tightens into knots. My heart beat is irregular. My hands tremble, out of control. My breathing comes to fast, too shallow and my head spins. I lay awake at night, with you on my mind. You invade my every thought.
You aren't good for me. I've known it all along. I need to move on. I need to get you out of my head, and out of my life, for good. But the truth is, I don't know how to live without you. I have tried for years, to no avail.
But I will try again. Because you also affect my health. Sometimes you make me eat uncontrollably, sometimes I have no appetite at all. You give me headaches and make it hard for me to concentrate on anything but negatives. My memory is terrible, i forget things all the time.
Some people make you go away by taking pills, but I don't like that option. I have found a few things that help take my mind off of you. I meditate and picture myself on a warm sunny beach, and you are nowhere around. I can also leave you behind, if only for a little while, when I go running. So, Anxiety, I am telling you now. It's over between us. I'm kicking you out of my life. Leave me alone. I don't ever want you to come back again.

Counting Down the Days

I am counting.  I currently have 2 more work days this week, and 4 more work weeks left with my second job.  I can't wait to punch out that last day.  I can't wait to go back to a normal life of working during the day and sleeping during the night.  I can't wait until I have time to spend with my family again.  For the past 4 months, I have been working a 40-hour week during the day and a 24-hour week during the night.  Sleep deprivation is a wonderful thing (PLEASE read that with tons of sarcasm).  I walk around feeling like a zombie most days, even on days when I don't work during the night.  I have lost so much sleep it will take me a year to make up.  I expected that though. When I applied for the job, I knew I was sacrificing sleep, but I had two bills that had to be paid, that were over and above the normal bills, and so they were over and above our budget.  It's all the other side-effects of a 3rd shift job that I never expected.

I already spend 40 hours a week standing on a concrete floor.  I go home with sore feet almost every day.  But it's nothing that a little rest, a hot bath or a massage wouldn't fix.  Add in an additional 24 hours standing on a concrete floor for the 3rd shift job and suddenly there's pain in my arch that won't go away.  It's tender to the touch.  It hurts even more after I sit and rest for a while (or sleep for a few hours).  Plantar Fasciitus according to all my internet research (again, I didn't go to the doctor.  I don't want my doctor to think I am a hypochondriac).  AKA falling arches.  Hooray.  Treatment: rest, stretching and arch supports in your shoes.

At my 3rd shift job, my nametag says "cashier" but I actually spend all 6 1/2 hours cleaning.  There are 25 registers that must be dusted, stocked and cleaned every single night.  The store has been short handed so many nights, I have had to clean all of this myself.  After a few of those nights, I developed another pain (I feel like I'm falling apart!!).  This time in my shoulder, from scrubbing the conveyor belts of 25 registers.  More internet research brought me to the conclusion that I had an "overuse injury" to my rotator cuff.  Treatment: rest, ice, and ibuprofen.  Have you ever noticed so many injuries need rest to heal?? REST!  Haha, what's this "rest" they speak of??

Other than aches and pains, there are other problems too.  Another job means more gas, more food, so more money spent.  The fact that I spend so much of my time working and sleeping means that my son spends more time watching his sister instead of being a kid and hanging out with his friends. It means I don't spend much time with my family.   It means my husband acts as a single parent most of the week.  Everything we used to share responsibility for - all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, scout meetings, school conferences, etc - have fallen on his shoulders alone.  It means I don't have the time or the energy to pick up my camera and go take pictures.

But instead of letting my unpayable bills go into collections (I've done that in the past, it doesn't make them go away) I decided to be a responsible adult.  I got another job.  I sent most of each paycheck to these extra bills, and used the rest to help out with the extra expenses of having a second job.  I need 4 more paychecks to pay off the bills.  I decided that I wanted to reward myself for being the responsible adult and working so hard these last few months, so an additional 2 paychecks will be paying for a tattoo that I have been wanting and planning for ages. So 6 more paychecks.  I can't wait.  I'm counting down the days.

Harmful if Inhaled

"CAUTION: Harmful if inhaled or absorbed through the skin.  Causes moderate skin irritation.  Avoid contact with skin, eyes or clothing.  Avoid breathing vapor or spray mist.  Wash thoroughly with soap and water after handling and before eating, drinking, chewing gym, using tobacco or using the restroom.  Remove and wash contaminated clothing before reuse."

Yikes this sounds like scary stuff.  Something you want to avoid using - ever.  Harmful if inhaled?  Why, what happens if you breathe some in?  It doesn't tell you that.  If you have asthma or any sensitivity to chemicals, you probably don't want to use this.  Causes moderate skin irritation?  Not minor skin irritation.  Moderate.  Gloves would probably be a good idea.  

So, what is this crazy scary substance?  It's the cleaner I use at my job.  I clean for about 4 hours a night, 4 nights a week with this cleaner.  By the end of the night, my hands are soaked in it.  I have, in the past, deliberately sprayed a little on my hand to get something sticky off.  I have been on this job for 3 months.  I never read the warnings.  No one bothered to tell me that I should be wearing gloves.  Probably should be wearing a mask too.  I can't tell you how many times I have accidentally breathed in the overspray when I was cleaning.  Each and every time, I had to use my inhaler.  I carry a water bottle with me on the job.  I know I have touched the bottle while my hands have the cleaner on them, contaminating my water bottle.  So I'm sure I have ingested this stuff.  After all the exposure I have already had, what effects does it cause?  What is it already doing to my body??

There are gloves provided in the utility room at work.  You can bet I will be wearing them from now on.  I wonder if I can convince them to provide a mask for me too?  Or should I just bring my own? 

February Resolution

I try to eat healthy most of the time.  Well, healthier.  Healthier than I used to eat, anyway.  This past week I slipped back into old (really old), bad (really bad) habits.  I was eating chips and sweets and going out for most of my meals, not ordering salads but burgers and fried chicken and nachos and french fries and mozzarella sticks.  It was all SO GOOD.  However, my body is reacting to all the crap I have fed it.  Lack of energy, bloating, gassiness (is that even a word? according to spell check, no).  So I have made a February resolution.  I know, resolutions are usually made in January (and forgotten by February).  So, I'm a month behind everyone else.  Oh well. Most people have probably dropped off the bandwagon by now anyway.

I am not totally revamping.   I think trying to make a major changes all at once is a setup for failure.  I am making small changes, one month at a time.  So my February resolution is to stop buying snacks at work, whether from the shelf or the vending machine.  This February resolution will help me feel better, and it will help my checkbook.  After all, everyone knows that vending machines aren't the cheapest way to go.  Nor do they fill vending machines with apples and salad.   None of it is good for me, none of it is nutritionally worth the money I pay for it, and none of it is worth this yucky, bloated, tired feeling.

I will plan my work snacks, buy and prepare and pack them ahead of time.  This way, I am not settling for the crap that is conveniently available.  I can buy things like string cheese, or yogurt, or almonds (mmm, almonds and dried cherries - if you haven't tried that combination, you need to!).  If I forget to bring a snack, then I am out of luck.  I don't really get THAT hungry between meals anyway.

So 30 days for this healthy new habit (oh wait, 28 days since this IS February).  Next month a new challenge!

Going at the Speed of LIfe

Sometime last week, I got a text from my best friend.  She was taking down her Christmas decorations and realized that, with her son graduating this year and joining the military, this may be his last Christmas at home - at least for a while.  With this realization came many tears.  My son is 3 years younger than hers, so this is a situation I have never experienced.  But, being the good friend that I am (or try to be at least) I gave her the best advice I could come up with:

This is what you have been preparing for the past 18 years, although you probably never thought about it that way.  It's time to let your baby bird leave the nest, and see how well he can fly.  It will be a hard adjustment, probably weird at times, but you all WILL adjust.  And next thing you know, you'll be a proud military mama.

I really don't know how "wise" my advice was, but I hope it helped.   I also told her that she'll have to give my "wise" words back to me in 3 years when it's MY son's turn to graduate.  She'll have 3 years of experience by then, so maybe her advice will be better.  I also suggested, with a laugh, that she may be a grandma by then.  After all, he'll be 21 in three years, and both she and I  had our first child by our 21st birthdays.  I may have been joking around, but this thought brought my feet quite firmly back to the ground.  Yikes.  Are we really old enough for grandchildren to be an issue?  I certainly don't FEEL old enough. But, both of our sons are teenagers, so yes, yes we are.

Have you ever been on a long-distance drive, and suddenly realized that you don't remember the last 20 miles or so?  You think "How did i get here?" That's how I feel about life.  It's not that I don't remember the last 20 years, I just don't know how they got past me so fast.

Jogging Cancelled Due to Dust

Sounds like a ridiculous newspaper headline.  How can dust cancel a jog?  What do the two have to do with each other??  Well, I have asthma, and I am allergic to dust.  So for me, they have a lot to do with each other.  Yesterday, as part of the "winter cleaning list" at work, I crawled under 6 registers and wiped and washed away a year's worth of dust.  Knowing I am allergic, I made a point of breathing through my nose while I cleaned, in order to filter out as much of the dust as possible.  I thought I did pretty well, since I only acquired a small, occasional cough after I was done.  No runny nose, no watery, itchy eyes.  Then, this morning, I woke with a fierce cough.  It was deep, like I was trying to cough up one of my toes.  And it was constant.  My allergic reaction had triggered my asthma, and I knew, if I didn't do something quickly, that I would cough myself into bronchitis, as I have in the past.  So, I did a couple puffs on my inhaler, and found something to drink - to ease the tickle in my throat.  15 minutes later, I felt great.  So I thought about going for my scheduled jog.  I almost didn't.  I almost used the easy, right-at-hand excuse of already having lung issues today.  I actually sat in my car, in the parking lot of the track, and argued with myself.
"I don;t know if I should do this"
"Yes you should, you know you want to."
"But my lungs are already messed up"
"That's what your inhaler is for"
"I think I should just take the day off and recover"
"Typical.  So typical of you to make an excuse - ANY excuse, and sabotage yourself."
"but, but, but....."
"Excuses are how you got to where you are.  Do you want to STAY where you are?!"
"no...."
"Then get OUT of this car and GO JOG!"
"ok"

So the good news is, I got my lazy butt out of the car, and onto the track.  I have been following the Couch-to-5K program.  If I followed through the first time I started, I would have graduated from the program about a year ago.  But I keep quitting, or falling behind, and starting over.  I am currently on week 5, and today was day 3.  One solid 20 minute jog.  Well, I had already completed week 5 back in October? November? And I had already done this 20 minute jog.  Then I started a second job and (excuse warning!) had an adjustment period of "oh my god when am I going to have time to jog now?! (not to mention do anything else)"

Anyway, today was the 20 minute jog.  As I was slowly trotting around the track, I kept repeating in my head "You know you can do it, because you've done it before" and my favorite:

Now for the bad news.  About half way through, I started wheezing, and the deep, deep coughing came back with a vengeance.  I stopped jogging and walked for a lap, but it didn't subside.  So I quit.  I didn't want to be that person.  The one who faints on the track because they were so stubborn they kept pushing through all the warnings their body game them.  I was frustrated, though, because I didn't want to be the quitter either. But I knew I needed another dose of my inhaler.  So here I sit trying to figure out if I read the signals and responded appropriately, or if it was just another convenient excuse for me to quit.

On a side note, I will not be hanging out with dust bunnies again anytime in the future.