Are you done yet?

Just a quick blurb today. While I was at work today, I realized something that I miss during the summer. Other moms can attest to this I'm sure. When the kids are in school, and the hubby is at work, and I have a day off.....I can go to the bathroom (or take a shower, or go shopping) for however long I want, without anyone wondering where I've been, how long I'm going to be or knocking on the door asking "Are you done yet?" Or "Did you fall in?"  During the summer, when the kids are home all day, I don't get that. I feel like I need to hurry out of the bathroom, speed through the grocery line or shorten my jog. *sigh* It's good to be needed......but it's nice to have my own undivided attention sometimes. 

Sins of the Body

Ooooh, that sounds naughty, doesn't it?  Well, I hate to disappoint, but this is not THAT kind of blog.  You'll have to look elsewhere if that's what you're looking for. 

I feel like I owe my body an apology, or a confession.  So, here goes:

Forgive me, body, for I have sinned.  This week I am guilty of laziness and gluttony.  Laziness because I only worked out once.  I know that no excuse is a good excuse, but it was simply too hot to jog outside. I did go swimming several days, but it didn't involve a whole lot of actual swimming, so I don't think it did much good besides cooling me down.  I know I could have jogged at the college track, in the lovely air conditioning, but I didn't.  Gluttony because I totally pigged out this week.  I had major craving issues, and gave in to them each and every day.  Chips, candy, cheezits, Burger King.......you name it, I probably ate it this week.  (JUST realized the cravings may be due to my almost-here period but that doesn't mean I have to GIVE IN).  The worst part is that none of it was worth it.  Well, ok, maybe the cheezits were.  I LOVE cheezits.  But the chips and candy, the cheetos........they didn't taste as good as I was expecting, they didn't satisfy me like I hoped they would and they made my digestive system do strange things.

I regret every bad decision I have made.  I understand and accept the penance you will hand down unto me - which will be the 5 or so pounds I have most likely gained this week - and I will strive to do better in the future.

Just the Boost I Needed

So I think I mentioned this before. Probably a couple times (I didn't go back to look). I am on a weight loss journey. It started January of 2012 after getting an unexpected glimpse of myself in the mirror. Not that I hadn't seen myself in the mirror before. I own mirrors. Several of them, in fact. But this time, I SAW myself. Do you know what I mean? It was like one of those "AHA! Moments". I thought "Oh my god. Is that what I really look like? All blobby and fat? Ew! How the heck did I let THAT happen? No, I didn't LET it happen, I DID it." I realized I weighed 100 pounds more than I did in college. So I decided to UN-do it. It's been a long and slow journey so far. I haven't been the ideal dieter. I start each and every day with great determination, and most days I do OK. Not great, but OK. Ii cheat - a LOT. It's been 18 months, and so far I have lost 30 lbs. I started in a pant size 20. Last year, I got into an 18. This spring I got into a 16. My weight loss has been stalled for a while. The scale goes down, and then back up again, always within 5 pounds. I am jogging, which is something I never thought I'd be able to do. I still walk while jogging, taking a break every mile or so. I am doing some minor weight training at home. So I suppose my stall could be a period of muscle growth. I can't find my measuring tape so I don't know if I have been losing inches. So I decided to test something. I went to the store and found a pair of 14's, in the same brand and same style and the 16's I am wearing. They are starting to feel loose and I wanted to see how far I still had to go before the next size would fit. When I tried them on, I expected to be able to pull them up, but no button them. I was wrong. Not only did they pull up, they zipped and buttoned without any drama or stomach sucking. I could breathe with them buttoned. They FIT!! My eyes popped out, my jaw dropped and I did a happy dance right there in the dressing room - which my daughter got quite a kick out of. In high school and college I always wore a 10/12. After having my son (who is now 15) I started wearing 16's, and the sizes crept up little by little from then on. So having size 14 jeans fit like a glove made me ecstatic. When I went home, I went through my pile of "someday" jeans (jeans I have kept even though they are too small, because I WILL fit into them.....someday). I had tried them all on last month and I was sorely disappointed to find, then, that none fit. But last night was a different story. I found 1 pair of jeans and 1 pair of shorts that fit perfectly, and 4 pairs that will fit very soon. Anyone who has ever tried to lose weight knows how frustrating it can be to stall or plateau. But this was just the boost I needed to keep me going. The scale may not reflect a difference yet, but my body IS changing.

Hubby of the Year

Sometimes I don't feel like I deserve what I have. My hubby for instance.

I'm sure I'm not an easy person to be married to. I think I am a lazy, forgetful, selfish slob who has a terrible spending habit.

Yesterday, for example. I accidentally took his car keys with me to work. He had to get a ride from a coworker. Then I forgot to bring home his special order laminate which he needs in order to finish a product for one of his customers. When I got home, I threw a load of my clothes in the wash & left a note asking him to please put them in the dryer, since I was going to be sleeping (have to sleep at SOME point in between the 2 jobs). He did. I love him. Then he preheated the oven to make pizza for dinner & discovered potatoes I had baked & forgotten - now burned.   What a day. After all that, you'd think he'd be mad at me, expect him to be annoyed at least. But on my way out the door, off to work, he hugged & kissed me goodnight & goodbye & told me he had put gas in my car while I was sleeping. Yep. I cried on the way to work. I don't deserve this sweetheart of a man. I don't tell him often enough "thank you" or "I love you"......but I do, with all my heart.

It's over.

Just when I think I am over you, you come around again. Out of the blue, there you are, and it's as if you were never gone. Time does not change how you make me feel. My stomach tightens into knots. My heart beat is irregular. My hands tremble, out of control. My breathing comes to fast, too shallow and my head spins. I lay awake at night, with you on my mind. You invade my every thought.
You aren't good for me. I've known it all along. I need to move on. I need to get you out of my head, and out of my life, for good. But the truth is, I don't know how to live without you. I have tried for years, to no avail.
But I will try again. Because you also affect my health. Sometimes you make me eat uncontrollably, sometimes I have no appetite at all. You give me headaches and make it hard for me to concentrate on anything but negatives. My memory is terrible, i forget things all the time.
Some people make you go away by taking pills, but I don't like that option. I have found a few things that help take my mind off of you. I meditate and picture myself on a warm sunny beach, and you are nowhere around. I can also leave you behind, if only for a little while, when I go running. So, Anxiety, I am telling you now. It's over between us. I'm kicking you out of my life. Leave me alone. I don't ever want you to come back again.

Counting Down the Days

I am counting.  I currently have 2 more work days this week, and 4 more work weeks left with my second job.  I can't wait to punch out that last day.  I can't wait to go back to a normal life of working during the day and sleeping during the night.  I can't wait until I have time to spend with my family again.  For the past 4 months, I have been working a 40-hour week during the day and a 24-hour week during the night.  Sleep deprivation is a wonderful thing (PLEASE read that with tons of sarcasm).  I walk around feeling like a zombie most days, even on days when I don't work during the night.  I have lost so much sleep it will take me a year to make up.  I expected that though. When I applied for the job, I knew I was sacrificing sleep, but I had two bills that had to be paid, that were over and above the normal bills, and so they were over and above our budget.  It's all the other side-effects of a 3rd shift job that I never expected.

I already spend 40 hours a week standing on a concrete floor.  I go home with sore feet almost every day.  But it's nothing that a little rest, a hot bath or a massage wouldn't fix.  Add in an additional 24 hours standing on a concrete floor for the 3rd shift job and suddenly there's pain in my arch that won't go away.  It's tender to the touch.  It hurts even more after I sit and rest for a while (or sleep for a few hours).  Plantar Fasciitus according to all my internet research (again, I didn't go to the doctor.  I don't want my doctor to think I am a hypochondriac).  AKA falling arches.  Hooray.  Treatment: rest, stretching and arch supports in your shoes.

At my 3rd shift job, my nametag says "cashier" but I actually spend all 6 1/2 hours cleaning.  There are 25 registers that must be dusted, stocked and cleaned every single night.  The store has been short handed so many nights, I have had to clean all of this myself.  After a few of those nights, I developed another pain (I feel like I'm falling apart!!).  This time in my shoulder, from scrubbing the conveyor belts of 25 registers.  More internet research brought me to the conclusion that I had an "overuse injury" to my rotator cuff.  Treatment: rest, ice, and ibuprofen.  Have you ever noticed so many injuries need rest to heal?? REST!  Haha, what's this "rest" they speak of??

Other than aches and pains, there are other problems too.  Another job means more gas, more food, so more money spent.  The fact that I spend so much of my time working and sleeping means that my son spends more time watching his sister instead of being a kid and hanging out with his friends. It means I don't spend much time with my family.   It means my husband acts as a single parent most of the week.  Everything we used to share responsibility for - all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, scout meetings, school conferences, etc - have fallen on his shoulders alone.  It means I don't have the time or the energy to pick up my camera and go take pictures.

But instead of letting my unpayable bills go into collections (I've done that in the past, it doesn't make them go away) I decided to be a responsible adult.  I got another job.  I sent most of each paycheck to these extra bills, and used the rest to help out with the extra expenses of having a second job.  I need 4 more paychecks to pay off the bills.  I decided that I wanted to reward myself for being the responsible adult and working so hard these last few months, so an additional 2 paychecks will be paying for a tattoo that I have been wanting and planning for ages. So 6 more paychecks.  I can't wait.  I'm counting down the days.

Harmful if Inhaled

"CAUTION: Harmful if inhaled or absorbed through the skin.  Causes moderate skin irritation.  Avoid contact with skin, eyes or clothing.  Avoid breathing vapor or spray mist.  Wash thoroughly with soap and water after handling and before eating, drinking, chewing gym, using tobacco or using the restroom.  Remove and wash contaminated clothing before reuse."

Yikes this sounds like scary stuff.  Something you want to avoid using - ever.  Harmful if inhaled?  Why, what happens if you breathe some in?  It doesn't tell you that.  If you have asthma or any sensitivity to chemicals, you probably don't want to use this.  Causes moderate skin irritation?  Not minor skin irritation.  Moderate.  Gloves would probably be a good idea.  

So, what is this crazy scary substance?  It's the cleaner I use at my job.  I clean for about 4 hours a night, 4 nights a week with this cleaner.  By the end of the night, my hands are soaked in it.  I have, in the past, deliberately sprayed a little on my hand to get something sticky off.  I have been on this job for 3 months.  I never read the warnings.  No one bothered to tell me that I should be wearing gloves.  Probably should be wearing a mask too.  I can't tell you how many times I have accidentally breathed in the overspray when I was cleaning.  Each and every time, I had to use my inhaler.  I carry a water bottle with me on the job.  I know I have touched the bottle while my hands have the cleaner on them, contaminating my water bottle.  So I'm sure I have ingested this stuff.  After all the exposure I have already had, what effects does it cause?  What is it already doing to my body??

There are gloves provided in the utility room at work.  You can bet I will be wearing them from now on.  I wonder if I can convince them to provide a mask for me too?  Or should I just bring my own?