I'm tired of pretending. I feel like I've come to a point in my life where I need to reinvent myself. Well, maybe not so much reinvent myself, as reshape the image that others have of me. I feel like I have gone through life doing, saying and being what was expected, suppressing my own self. Now, every now and then, I just let myself be myself. For instance, I wore a cute little hat to work the other day. I got several compliments "Cute hat", "very stylish" but I also caught a few people sending funny looks my way. They didn't come out and say anything but I saw their thoughts in their eyes: "a little old to wear something like that" or "trying to be something she's not", "who is she trying to fool". I'm not trying to fool anyone now. But I have gone through life doing just that, being something I'm not, because that's what people came to expect from me. The the good daughter, the good student, the good employee, the one who never gets mad, and never swears, the boring, homebody wife and mother - goodie, goodie two-shoes. My husband and I never used to go out - but it wasn't because we didn't want to , or didn't like socializing with others. We had young children at home, and chose to be responsible parents. A couple years ago, I got a little tipsy in the presence of a couple coworkers and the real me escaped for a little while. I was dancing, laughing, telling jokes and publicly flirting with (gasp) my own husband. One of my coworkers said in a surprised tone (and I QUOTE) "Wow, Rachel knows how to have fun!"
So, how do you stop pretending and be yourself without shocking and alienating everyone? Many of you would say "So what if it shocks people, just be yourself. If they don't like it, to hell with them." For the most part, I agree. But my family and the friends I have accumulated through my life are too important to me to just say "to hell with them". I will need to introduce the real me slowly for their sake as well as my own. After all, old habits are hard to break, and I have been pretending for a very long time. Someday, when I have completely shed this mask, people will probably look back and think that I went through a mid-life crisis, and changed. But I will know the truth.
You are who you are, Rachel, and that is something that I personally have admired since I first started workingng with you. I know what it is to try to change who I am for the sake of others; everything from how much I talk right on down to the "bizarre" way I eat my pizza (I scrape the toppings off and eat them last). And I guess when you're in your teens and twenties, some of that is to be expected because you're trying to find your way but I am at the age now where I'm a bit more comfortable in my skin and who I am is who I am. There are things about me that can be changed--such as my weight--but there are other things about me that are me and I've made peace with them. Thanks for sharing.
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