Fairly recently, hubby and I have been through some tough times, financially. Who hasn't, right? Well, about a year and a half ago, my car was repossessed. I tell you what, that was one of the most emotional things I have been through. I had known weren't doing good. Cripes, we were on the verge of filing bankruptcy. But somehow, I had kept myself in denial until that day. Strangers in a big truck came up my driveway and hooked up my beloved Jeep. I freaked out. I asked to see the required paperwork, which of course they had. They gave me time to clean out my personal belongings. I wholeheartedly believed that I would be getting my Jeep back, so I didn't do a GREAT job cleaning it out. Then they drove my Jeep out of my life. I never did get it back. There were a few things of minor importance I had left in my car and therefore lost. But the biggest thing I lost was piece of mind. The idea that someone could come to my house and LEGALLY take what is mine shook me to the core.
Fast forward to this year. We got our feet back under us (mostly). We both had working vehicles and paying jobs. We were providing a roof over our kids' heads and food on their plates. Everything was find and dandy. Until one, then the other, vehicle broke down. Suddenly we realized our feet weren't quite under us after all. I mean, if they had been, then we would have had money in a savings account for just such an "emergency". But we didn't. We had to use money that would have otherwise paid bills. So we fell behind, again. Once you fall behind, it's nearly impossible to catch up. It's a slippery slope that no one wants to be on. You start by not paying billA because you hag to fix the car. Then you don't pay billB because you have to pay billA, which is now late.
Before you know it, you're a little behind.........on everything. Anxiety kicks in. If this is the first time getting behind for you, then you experience a little anxiety, but you still have the "everything will be ok, I'll figure it out" frame of mind. But me? Not my first time. Nope, as I just explained, I have been there, done that, and sure as heck did NOT want to do it again. My anxiety is not small or a quiet nagging in the back of my mind. It's full-blown, OH MY GOD, end-of-the-world kind of anxiety. Our homes should be our sanctuary, our safe place, but for me, it's not anymore. When I am at home, every noise I hear makes me jump. Every vehicle coming down the road is someone coming to take my car away. The worry is not just in my head, I can feel it in my body. I'm sure my blood pressure would freak out my doctor. My hands shake, my heart races, my chest feels tight, my breathing becomes shallow, rational thought goes out the window and my fight or flight instinct kicks in. Flight always wins. I hurriedly get dressed, run a brush through my hair, pack up a few things (I don't mean packing like a suitcase or anything. Just my computer and camera - stuff I keep myself busy with), apologize to the dog for leaving her home alone (again), get in my car and drive away. I start feeling better, the farther from my house I get. My irrational logic tells me that if I just get away from the house, somewhere they won't find my car, then everything will be ok. I should probably note here that, although we are behind, we aren't SO behind that any of the worst-case-scenarios running through my head would actually be happening. The rational me knows this, but "irrational me", the one controlling the anxiety and oh-my-god thoughts, won't listen. Eeek, now I'm talking about myself like I have multiple personalities. Someone better make up a bed for me at the nut house.
My favorite place to go, when I am feeling stressed like that, is to the water. It's almost like a pull I feel. I'll park my car down by the waterfront and watch the waves crash over the breakwall. It centers me. I feel a connection to water that I'm not sure I can explain. Just watching the ebb and flow, the constant movement of the water, soothes me. In the summer, I'll swim out deep and just float, letting the waves lift and drop me. It's quite typical for me to still be out swimming, when the rest of the family has had enough and are ready to go home. Ok, even to me that all sounds a little........out there. I better stop babbling before the people in white coats come to get me. Of course, they would just put me in a nice jacket that makes me hug myself, and who couldn't use more hugs? LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL!
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