I am a photographer. It used to make me nervous to share my photos with the world. Would people like the way I see things? Would they appreciate beauty in the same way I do? When it got a positive response from the majority of people, it became easier. Then, a while back, in an attempt to gain votes for a contest I had entered it into, I decided to share a black and white nude photo I had done. I was nervous all over again. My heart beat fast, knowing that I was exposing a part of me (literally and figuratively ha!) that most people had never seen. It was something that I don't think most people, who know me, would expect from me. I got nothing but compliments on that photo. Someone told me it made them uncomfortable, but they were just being a good friend and giving me crap (I think LOL).
I am also a writer. I currently maintain 3 blogs. The one you are reading now, one for my photography, and another one where I share short stories that I have written. I have had each of these blogs for at least 2 years. My photography blog was a no-brainer. I had already been sharing my photos and thoughts about them on my facebook page. It was an easy transition to start blogging. This blog, the one you are reading right now, made me a little nervous at first. No one knew that I wrote at all. So I kind of felt like I was introducing the world to me - not the "me" they knew: quiet, shy, nervous, somewhat anti-social Rachel, who very rarely had much to say. Facebook opened the door, although just a crack, to me speaking my mind. But I found that I was severely limited by the 140-character limit they imposed on status updates back then. How can I properly express what I want to say, when I have only 140 characters to say it? So I started my blog. Like I said, I was a little nervous what people would think when they read it, but I was actually MORE nervous that no one at all was reading it. I still don't know how many people I reach. I get a few comments from a couple close friends and family. My audience could be limited to just those 5 people for all I know.
The blog where I share my short stories is the one that makes me most nervous. I have had it for almost 2 years (although I have only posted a handful of times). And every single post I publish sets my heart pounding all over again. I don't think anyone even reads it, as I don't actively share it. It brings the reader inside my head (a scary place to be!) and they find out where my mind goes when it wanders. I can take one wayward thought, or dream, and turn it into a short story. Even sharing that blog with my hubby (of almost 16 years!) makes me nervous. He, of all people, knows me best. He knows I write. He knows I write stories. He even knows that sometimes, my short stories are a bit......shall we say, risque?
I just don't want people to think differently about me. Or maybe I do, but I don't want them to think negatively about me. I want people to know there is more to me than what they originally see, but I don't want to be judged. So why do I publish the writing at all then? I suppose I want to know what people think of the stories, without being biased by knowing ME first. So, I write the blog but don't share it with anyone, hoping that strangers will happen by and read it. On the other hand, why do I care so much? If someone who knows me now doesn't like me after reading what I write, then I guess they are not really someone I need in my life after all. Because people need to take me (or leave me) as I am - the whole package, not just what they think I am, or what they want me to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment