Shaky Hands, Pounding Heart

I am a photographer.  It used to make me nervous to share my photos with the world.  Would people like the way I see things?  Would they appreciate beauty in the same way I do?  When it got a positive response from the majority of people, it became easier.  Then, a while back, in an attempt to gain votes for a contest I had entered it into, I decided to share a black and white nude photo I had done.  I was nervous all over again.  My heart beat fast, knowing that I was exposing a part of me (literally and figuratively ha!) that most people had never seen.  It was something that I don't think most people, who know me, would expect from me.  I got nothing but compliments on that photo.  Someone told me it made them uncomfortable, but they were just being a good friend and giving me crap (I think LOL).

I am also a writer.  I currently maintain 3 blogs.  The one you are reading now, one for my photography, and another one where I share short stories that I have written.  I have had each of these blogs for at least 2 years. My photography blog was a no-brainer.  I had already been sharing my photos and thoughts about them on my facebook page.  It was an easy transition to start blogging.  This blog, the one you are reading right now, made me a little nervous at first.  No one knew that I wrote at all.  So I kind of felt like I was introducing the world to me - not the "me" they knew: quiet, shy, nervous, somewhat anti-social Rachel, who very rarely had much to say.  Facebook opened the door, although just a crack, to me speaking my mind.  But I found that I was severely limited by the 140-character limit they imposed on status updates back then.  How can I properly express what I want to say, when I have only 140 characters to say it?  So I started my blog.  Like I said, I was a little nervous what people would think when they read it, but I was actually MORE nervous that no one at all was reading it.  I still don't know how many people I reach.  I get a few comments from a couple close friends and family.  My audience could be limited to just those 5 people for all I know.

The blog where I share my short stories is the one that makes me most nervous.  I have had it for almost 2 years (although I have only posted a handful of times).  And every single post I publish sets my heart pounding all over again.  I don't think anyone even reads it, as I don't actively share it.  It brings the reader inside my head (a scary place to be!) and they find out where my mind goes when it wanders. I can take one wayward thought, or dream, and turn it into a short story.  Even sharing that blog with my hubby (of almost 16 years!) makes me nervous.  He, of all people, knows me best.  He knows I write.  He knows I write stories.  He even knows that sometimes, my short stories are a bit......shall we say, risque?

I just don't want people to think differently about me.  Or maybe I do, but I don't want them to think negatively about me.  I want people to know there is more to me than what they originally see, but I don't want to be judged.  So why do I publish the writing at all then? I suppose I want to know what people think of the stories, without being biased by knowing ME first.  So, I write the blog but don't share it with anyone, hoping that strangers will happen by and read it.  On the other hand, why do I care so much?  If someone who knows me now doesn't like me after reading what I write, then I guess they are not really someone I need in my life after all.  Because people need to take me (or leave me) as I am - the whole package, not just what they think I am, or what they want me to be.

To worry, or not to worry. That is the question.

Well......wow. I don't think I have ever written a serious post. Ha, I may not even be capable of it. Of course, just because I am discussing a serious subject, it doesn't mean I have to discuss it seriously, right? Ok, boys, look away. I'm talking about girly stuff here. I'm sure you have no interest in reading any further.

Last weekend, while scratching an itch, I noticed something that wasn't right, a tender spot. As I always do, I probed around the tender spot a bit, trying to figure out what it was that was causing the tenderness. Usually I discover a bruise I didn't know I have. I get a lot of bruises at work, specifically on my thighs from walking into the metal bag racks at the registers. Ouch. This time, though, I discovered a tiny little lump just under the surface of my skin. It was about the size of a small pea, and smooth, and it hurt when I pressed on it. Now, I am familiar with small, painful lumps under my skin. Back in November of 2011 I told you about my Hidradenitis, which causes inflammation of my sweat glands. These bumps appear on my legs and under my arms, usually. This was not one of those bumps. This bump was in my left breast. (see boys, I told you it was girl stuff. Now go away!)

Yikes!! A lump in my breast? Of course, what was going through my head was probably the same thing that's going through your head right now. Breast cancer. Scary stuff, right there. I called the doctor the very next day. In the meantime, I did a little research on breast lumps. What I found eased my mind a little. On a UK medical website, I found what they call "5 basic rules every woman should know."

1. Painful lumps are less likely to be dangerous than painless ones. As I mentioned above, this little lump hurts. Especially when pressure is applied to it.
2. Soft lumps are less likely to be dangerous than hard ones. Well, THAT one didn't make me feel any better. My little lump feels hard to me.
3. Lumps that move freely are less likely to be dangerous than ones that don't. My little lump is a slippery little bugger. It kinds slides this way and that way when you push on it.
4. Smooth lumps are less likely to be dangerous than rough ones. My little lump is very smooth.
5. Lumps that grow very fast over a few days or weeks are unlikely to be dangerous. Well, mine kind of appeared suddenly, from what I can tell. It's shape and size hasn't changed in the week since I found it.

So, I went into my appointment today thinking that my hidradenitis had simply found a new place to express itself.  The doc, of course, questioned me about my family history.  I told her about my grandmother, who had had breast cancer.  I couldn't give her much information though, since the family is pretty close-mouthed about personal things like medical history.  Then she examined me.  At first, she couldn't even find the lump (I SAID it was small LOL).  I showed her where I felt and she said "Wow! That IS small!" and she commented about how it moves all over the place when you touch it.  Meanwhile, I'm laying there wincing because she's pushing this little thing here and there and hello! I had told her that it was tender to the touch (it's actually still kinda sore now, 3 hours later, from her messing around with it so much).  She didn't seem overly concerned and never mentioned the big C word (hooray!).  She ordered an ultrasound because "it may be a cyst."  And, because grandma did have breast cancer at some point, she ordered a mammogram, just to play it extra safe.  So a week and a half from now, I get to be poked, prodded and squashed.  But we'll find out what's going on and what to do about it.  For now, I am fairly certain that it's not something I need to be really worried about.

Creepy Dream

What are your dreams typically like?  Do you have recurring dreams?  Have you ever flown in your dreams?  Been chased?  Been attacked by bugs?  I have had all these types of dreams, and more.  My most recent memorable dream left me shaken and on edge.  It was just last night, or this morning, more like:

I was at my grandma's house in Grand Marais.  It was raining outside and when I looked out the window, I saw a large, white wolf on the roof.  I also noticed that the house was leaking in the room I was sleeping in.  The ceiling and wall were both soaking wet.  The wallpaper and plaster were soggy and starting to sag away from the wall. I didn't have time to wonder about the wolf though, because my alarm went off and I woke up.  Carl and I both got up.  It was just starting to get light outside.  I peeked out the window and saw Madison wandering around outside.  I couldn't figure out why she was outside when she should have been in bed.  I opened the window and called to her.  She looked just as confused as I was, but she came inside anyway.  She was wearing jeans shorts, a white T-shirt, and a ribbon tied in her hair like a headband.  Something wasn't right about her.  She seemed different to me, which only confused me more.  She seemed younger than she had been when I put her to bed earlier.  Her eyes were getting red, like when you have pinkeye.  She rubbed them saying "Mommy, my eyes are really hot.". It was all so strange to me that I left the room and went to Madison's room.  There, I discovered Madison sleeping soundly in her bed, right where she was supposed to be.  So who - or what - was in my bedroom?  I went back in to find out. The strange version of Madison now had blotchy redness all around the eyes, like a rash. 

She looked at me, and her eyes rolled back into her head. It came toward me, and I screamed.  Carl walked into the room to see why I was screaming.  But it wasn't really him.  His eyes, too, were surrounded by a blotchy redness.  When his eyes rolled back into his head, I opened my mouth to scream and.....

.....my alarm went off.  Again.  This time, I woke up for real.....I think.

Good knee, bad knee

My knee and I had a disagreement the other night about how much dancing we would do.  I like dancing, so I wanted to dance all night - or at least until the dance club said I couldn't stay any longer. My knee said no way and went *pop* at about midnight (Cinderella anyone?).  Since it didn't hurt after the pop, I continued to dance, as planned, until they said I had to go home.  The next morning was a different story.  I could hardly put any weight on that leg.  Uh-oh.  My big conundrum?  This was my left leg, my "good" leg.

My right leg, my "bad" leg, has been a problem since I was 18 or 19.  It's a knee/hip thing that causes sharp pain, stiffness and, sometimes, the inability to move - especially after sitting still for a while.  I have tried to get the problem fixed, twice, but both doctors basically told me there was nothing wrong. This pain sure feels real to me, but what do I know, right?  Anyway, most days I manage the pain pretty well, and you'd never know there was a problem. Occasionally, however, I can be spotted rising from a chair slowly, like an 80-year-old,  testing the weight on my right leg, cracking my knee to ease the pressure, and limping and hobbling around with my right leg slightly turned in, since this alleviates the pain a bit.

So here I am, with a "bad" leg, and a fresh injury to my "good" leg.  How to I limp now?  I favor the one that hurts the most, of course.  That's the new injury (my "good" leg).  My "bad" leg is now starting to hurt from all the extra responsibility it has taken on today.  I WAS going to go jogging after work today, but I think I have done enough damage. I'm just going to take my "bad" leg and my bad "good" leg home to recuperate on the couch with some ibuprofen and ice.

Wait, which leg should I ice first????

Nailed it!

Have you ever seen something on Pinterest - or anywhere else - and though "Oooh, I have GOT to try that!"? Of course. We all have at some point in our lives. Well, today I tried a Pinterest project.

I plan on getting a tattoo on my wrist, to represent running, which has made a huge impact on my life. Not only has it helped me to lose weight - and continues to do so, it also relieves my stress better than anything else I have ever experienced, and makes me feel amazed at myself on a regular basis. This tattoo will simply say "keep going" and will look like this:

So I found this pin on Pinterest, showing how you can make your own temporary tattoos,seen here. I thought great would it be to test out this tattoo that I want so bad?". I followed the directions very carefully. First, with my computer, I printed the design in several sizes so I could find just the right size for my wrist. Then I carefully traced the design onto parchment paper with the new gel pens I had just picked up at Walmart.

Then I applied a warm, wet cloth and counted slowly to 30. I pulled the parchment paper away to see my new "tattoo" and this is what I found:

Yep, totally nailed it. LOL Thankfully, that same warm, wet washcloth also wiped the ink right off my skin, so I wasn't stuck with that inky mess.

I can't help but wonder if it would work....
* if I colored it a little less?
* if I left the wet cloth on for less time?

I might try again, but I'm not expecting great results.

What have you tried and epically failed at?

New Year's Resolution

Hello all!
I know, it's been a while since you've heard from me. Remember earlier this year (waaay back in January I think) I decided what my New Year's resolution was going to be for 2013? It was to finish the 5k race in Grand Marais without walking. Between having asthma, and being way out of shape, I thought it was a tough but achievable goal. I worked really hard all year. I started with the "Couch to 5k" program (which can be found here). I started and restarted. I redid some weeks. Ok, I redid several weeks. I mean, come on, jumping from 5 minutes to 8 minutes of jogging was rough, ok? The point is, though, that on Saturday, August 31, I ran the race. And I reached my goal! I ran the WHOLE 5k. No walking. The only time I stopped was at the water booth - I haven't yet mastered the art of running and drinking water, ha ha. I would have ended up wearing the water, instead of drinking it. I was so proud and excited when I crossed the finish line that I had tears in my eyes. My best friend, who was working at the time, missed my finish because I finished FASTER THAN EXPECTED!!

So, while I'm still riding that wave of success, I'd like to announce my 2014 New Year's resolution. I know, I'm a little early.......3 1/2 months early to be exact. But this is a goal that adds onto what I have already done, and something that needs to be started NOW. So here it is, da da da da:

The Mackinac Island 8 Mile Race
That link will take you to the information for THIS year's race, which just happened on September 7. I have one year to increase my mileage from the 2.5 (or so) miles that I run regularly, to 8 miles. I'll keep you guys posted on my progress, as the year goes on. Wish me luck!

Are you done yet?

Just a quick blurb today. While I was at work today, I realized something that I miss during the summer. Other moms can attest to this I'm sure. When the kids are in school, and the hubby is at work, and I have a day off.....I can go to the bathroom (or take a shower, or go shopping) for however long I want, without anyone wondering where I've been, how long I'm going to be or knocking on the door asking "Are you done yet?" Or "Did you fall in?"  During the summer, when the kids are home all day, I don't get that. I feel like I need to hurry out of the bathroom, speed through the grocery line or shorten my jog. *sigh* It's good to be needed......but it's nice to have my own undivided attention sometimes.